FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (it’s me! it’s me!)

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OH. MY. LORD. ABOVE. Pretty Little Liars, you stepped up to the plate and hit a homerun (or at least a game-winning triple) for the FINALE this week. Hot damn, I am one satisfied customer. You certainly rang MY BELLS. Holla!

I am not even sure how to analyze the whole foursome becoming “subjected to the gaze” of invasive technology and then using that technology (the anon. cell phone) to combat and PROACTIVELY attack their mutual predator. All I know is, thanks for the material for my Mill Med. final paper, yo.

Similarly, playing on tropes of horror movies (i.e. entrapment and church imagery, etc.) was so DOPE. Plus, I was scared watching it by myself in the bibs this morning (which was not helped by the gothic townie sitting next to me whispering creepily along to her vintage KORN CD. Is Korn vintage? Idk, they suck).

WHY I LIKED IT

  1. AHHHH WHERE TO START. K, first and foremost, THANK YOU PLL for not keeping us on the hook about the murderer. I was wrong and did not give you enough credit. You outted the dude we all suspected (IAN THE TERRIBLE) as the killer extraordinaire (I think. I mean, he got the cause of Ali’s death wrong, and never really admitted to doing it, but I think it was mostly implied(?!)), and then you hung him up in a church which was a SMIDGE extreme, but I like the dramaticimage craziness you’re going for. It was a very NEAT AND TIDY exit from second season narrative problems that would arise if his character survived, and yet I like the potential drama sparked by having HIS BODY GO MISSING, and leaving Melissa Baby-Daddy-less and probably all teed up to blame Spency-wency for his Houdini act. Yowza. Guess Ian didn’t have the LUCK OF THE IRISH this time around. SNAP, who got the refrence? BOOM. ROASTED.
  2. Dorky kid, whose name I can never remember, oh yeah, Seth Cohan-lite, brings Caleb back for Hanna’s Banana pt. 2, is that Hannah in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Nice touch. Nice cameo. Seth Cohen-lite is straight up chivalrous.
  3. Toby licked his thumb in such a way, to send all helmet-hair enthusiasts jizzing in their pants. I know it was just to turn the page of The Dharma Bums (Kerouac? Oh my Buddha. This kid is SO cliche INDY. And misunderstood. Cue the Morrisey), but damn Spence, getttsome. Or just sit on his lap… for a long time. Interesting choice.
  4. SO THE JENNA THANG IS A PREDATOR?! They ADDMITTED IT and it’s on TAPE. Holy balls. That is CRAYCRAY. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an abusive (/incestuous-ish) relationship depicted on television that is initiated by a FEMALE. Ew, wow, shit, yikes. He doesn’t want you to play with his flute, Jenz. Chill. This needs some more in-depth analysis for sheezie. Jenna and Ali are like parallel characters—sexually desirous (of taboo partners), and one is blinded as punishment, while the other is killed. I am not sure what to make of this. I need to do more research on blind female villains. But I am intrigued. AND WHAT WAS WITH HER AND RENT-A-COP?! I think it was sort of  a “cop-out” (yuk-yuk-yuk) to have him be such an important character and to have introduced him so late in the season, but whatevz. Not that pissed.
  5. Aria and Fitzy (since when is the Brawny Man-sports-a-tie a good look?) fight! Everybody wins! Gosh, for once, no discussion of undying love, moving to Guam, or taking the SKETCHIEST relationship photo ever recorded. Haha, he finally got into his childlover’s bedroom, and his ex-fiance totes cock-blocked him via facebook. Or maybe him dumbass shirt did. Good. Fight. Break up. Whatever-no-one-cares. 

WHY I DIDN’T LIKE IT 

    1. IF EMILY ACTUALLY MOVES TO TEXAS I WILL FLIP A SHIT. Seriously, you cannot just introduce the coolest teenage gay girl story ever on TV and then threaten to send Ms. Eyebrow Expressivity off to tex-ass. That is dribble drabble. The whole dynamic would be thrown so off-kilter, I don’t even want to discuss it. Not happening. Shuddup, PLL. Plus, we all know what Texas would do to her hair:image
    2. Mona, you insufferable A-HOLE (emphasis on A), stop calling Seth Cohen-lite a Hermy. It’s not nice. Plus, Mona, you are too small to have been that person who saved Spence. BUT THE HOODIE OF SAID SAVIOR WAS BLACK (CAMP MONA HOODIE, PERHAPS?) Let’s go glamp at the blow tent, ya’ll.
    3. I’m a little confused. If Jenna is in cahoots with the cop (and by in cahoots, I mean knockin’ boots, and by knockin’ boots I mean knocking into things due to visual impairment… what. sorry) AND in cahoots (as in associated) with the recently DEAD-ED Ian, then by the transitive property, were Ian and Rent-a-cop also involved? If so, wouldn’t the cop have known Ian was sending a messenger? And if he did know, then what was the purpose of him being in the woods with the girls, since he let them all bounce? Huh? Hm. Puzzling, PLL. Also puzzling— who the the f-bomb RAN INTO SPENCER’S CAR?!? That seeeeemed intentional, and since Ian “loooves” Melissa and Rosemary’s Baby, then he obvi didn’t do it. So WHO? Was our favorite flutist perhaps out for a drive, and forgetting she was BLIND, she just ran into anyone in her path (including Mrs. Pregger Pants?).
    4. imageD. I wanna know FOXY MOM’S PAST. Gimmie better parental storylines like in the first few episodes, PLL! I have to admit, The Squat Mom-Chad Lowe fuckbuddy versus marriage drama is wearing thin. Real thin. Like who-gives-a-shit, I just wanna see Lawyer Mom have a drinking problem and Foxy Mom bone another cop/Ms. Potter relative/ priest/ whatever for the sake of her daughter, kinda thin. Cmon, AMP THAT SHIT UP.
    5. I repeat, if Emily moves to TEXAS, I will write the producers a letter of ANGUISH. Gerrrrrr. And where the fuck was Paige? One email from the “Punctual” earring maker does not count as wrapping up, adding to, or resolving a storyline. Gosh.

Okay, well that’s my two cents on the highlights and omissions, now for the GEMS (of which there are very few due to the SERIOUSNESS/ SCARINESS of the final episode)

imageTHE GEMS

Hannah (re: going to The Jenna Thang for the goods): “THE TRUTH. CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?!” Nice chees-tastic delivery, Hanz Bananz. Really shootin’ for an Emmy on that one. Call up JACK NICHOLSON for a quick cameo, like “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH, BITCHES!!”

Spencer (re: FACING FUCKING DEATH): “You want POPCORN to go with that!?” * throws the USB approx. 15 feet away from Killer Ian * WHAT SPENCE? You are really going to say that under duress? Is this really the time for sarcasm? Go on, call his SEED “inhuman” again, that’ll really help the sitch. Also, THROW THE DAMN USB A LITTLE CLOSER TO HIS FACE. God. And that better not be the real USB, or they fucking better have made a copy. Jeezum. SMH if after their IAN/ALI WOODLAND PORN vid got deleted, they didn’t make a COPY of their only leverage with the cops. 

I am not going to make predictions for next season, because obviously it could go anywhere from here. They’ve set themselves up nicely for a season two. Half the mystery is solved (I think. Also, the body is MIA), and half is left for next summer (I hope). Fist bumps all around. imageHOWEVER, I will predict that Emily does not effing go to effing Texas.
Hiiii, I’d like you to meet my bias… it’s all over the blog (cough YAAAAY lesbians cough).

All I can say is that I have highly enjoyed this season of television. HIGH FIVE ABC FAMZ! I cannot wait to re-watch episodes for my paper. I think the rest of this blog will deal with the paper-writing process (or will most likely devolve into more ridiculous rants on individual episodes, starting with the PILOT of S.1 next week). We shall see how things develop.

Grassy ass for reading. Now get to working on those clues. 

GOTTA SECRET, CAN YOU KEEP IT, I LOVE P-L-L, IT’S THE GREATEST, FUCK THA HATE-AHS, MONA’S FARTS SMELL! (Weeak… make one yasself.)